Dropping the girls off to school this morning, the wind from Storm Amy was slowly starting to pick up. We watched as two birds tried with all their might to fly yet despite their wings rapidly flapping, their bodies soaring and swooping, and a constant flutter of movement, they were getting no where. They almost seemed to be going backwards rather than where they were aiming for.
And something about what I was seeing felt so relevant to me…
Rewind a few weeks ago and I was totally dedicated to my writing (on top of full time working and everything that comes along with being a mum to four kids) but I knew I was making time to get little bits done here and there…
But then life throws you that little curve ball and the weeks blend into one. At the end of August the schools returned and the kids happily sauntered out the door to see their friends again and meet their new teachers. And since then my youngest has only been in school a total of about 5 full days (if even) some days we have had twenty minutes, some days a half day, once or twice a full day but the majority of time school has been a no go for her. Instead she is crying herself to sleep, replaying and overthinking different scenarios in her head, physically feeling ill every time we drive anywhere near her school (even if it is a Saturday), and most of all struggling so so much with the change of teacher and classroom. Yes I understand this change is something we all have went through, go through or will go through but for some that change is extremely hard to understand and cope with. Síne has ASD and is in mainstream education, in a school with wonderfully empathetic teachers and staff who have been so understanding these past few weeks. They have reassured her, they have told her how much she is missed, they have offered various changes to help her reintegrate into school but she physically can’t do it most days. Just like the birds in the wind she is trying, she is walking to school, she is getting into her uniform (most days) but she just physically can’t bring herself through the school doors. Her little legs “feel sick” as she describes it, and she shakes to the point that she can’t control it.
Emotionally based school avoidance is not a matter of “just tell her to get on with it” or “disciplining her”, it is literally a child at breaking point in an environment that no matter how much we try, they just don’t feel safe. So the past few weeks have been exhausting for her. We have watched her retreat from her friends and school, watched her anxiety manifest as fear and anger, and I think worst of all as a parent, literally not knowing what to do or where to turn to. We are trying to balance working with homeschooling her to a degree that she doesn’t fall too behind in her work, while also hopefully put in place different strategies that will support and encourage her back to school.
I’ve been a mum now for over 19 years and quite literally the hardest thing about being a parent is the feeling of helplessness when you don’t know how to help your child. It’s hard. The guilt and the feelings of failing are intense; questioning if letting them stay at home or trying to make them face their worries and go into school even though it is making them feel physically sick; questioning every decision you make and not knowing if what you are doing is right or wrong. Not to mention the worry that increases with each day they miss; the worry about how far they could fall behind academically, or how much harder it will be to go back after every day missed.
To be honest, I actually don’t know why I put this random little piece together – writing is always just the way I feel in control of my feelings – and maybe it’s also just to let other parents who are maybe going through a similar journey know that they are not alone in this.
Wee Bubble of Books 